Here’s a one-sentence Wessays survey: “Do you think anyone
reads the data and if they do will do anything with it?”
Answer if you like. But here’s a promise: I won’t read
your answer, just put it on the path for saucer navigators.
Who wants to know whether you’d recommend Sonic or Dairy
Queen as a venue for your next divorce celebration? Or if you enjoyed
your latest experience with Walnut Springs National Bank where you went to
plead for more time to pay this month’s mortgage, along with last months and
the months before?
What will happen to Suzie Bell or Billyjo, your friendly
virtual assistants from Bloatware Customer Service? If Suzie or Billyjo
did a good job, will they be taken off probation for their usual automated
nonsense to your questions? Yes, robots and software can be put on
probation just like real boys and girls.
“Limiting your response to your recent call to Customer
Service Agent Henry in San Jose (who really isn’t Henry and really is in Bhopal), how
satisfied were you with …” this is followed by several rows of areas in which
“Henry” was asked to solve a problem with your new Bloatware Package of
Important Programs. Check the appropriate boxes.
The question they never ask whether you waited for an hour
before you got a live body?
Another question they never ask: On a scale of minus five to
plus ten, how did you like our music on hold? There never is a box you
can check that says you aren’t a fan of the instrumental cover of the medley of
Meatloaf’s Greatest Hit.
Maybe this is all wrong. Maybe people really DO read
these things and act on them. Here’s an example.
Scene: The Boardroom at Bloatware LLC.
Cast:
--Chairman and CEO Octavius Bloat and Director of
Surveys
--Automata Bloat-Wingtip, his adult daughter.
ABW: Dad, this fellow Henry in San Jose is getting a lot of positive feedback.
OB: Fire his ass before he asks for a raise. And make sure
you do it before the end of the quarter.
ABW: Ok. Do you have his address in Bhopal?
OB: I thought he was in San Jose.
ABW: You ordered me to close the San Jose office two months
ago. Everyone in customer service is in either Bhopal or Manila now.
OB: No, I don’t have his email. Check with Human Resources.
Now, what about the reaction to our music on hold?
ABW: Everyone hates it.
OB: Good. The more hangups in disgust the fewer customers we
have to deal with.
ABW: They hate the waiting time, too.
OB: Same answer as before. Wanna grab some lunch? I
hear Sonic has a new kind of bacon cheeseburger.
ABW: I wonder if they have Meatloaf.
Keep filling out those surveys. Octavius and Automata
really listen. And they act.
I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome
to them. ®
Any Questions? wesrichards@gmail.com
© WR 2021
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