4694 The Assistant Principal

To the ladies of the laptop, the dashboard, the iPhone.  Your computerized voice soothes, cajoles, entices. You wrap your instructions or your searches or your weather reports in the pleasant tones of someone who knows how to talk to a guy in a bar or an upscale department store. Sometimes to someone behind the wheel and lost.

 

But what many of us need is not the ladies of Girls’ Night Out, but that of the junior high or middle school Assistant Principal. It’s usually a he. He is direct, abrupt and you dare not disobey because he has access to all kinds of punishment for disobedience and he’s not afraid to use them.

 

When you’re on the road, you don’t need some sweet-talking lady to tell you “In one thousand feet, turn right onto Old Field Lane.”  You need “Mr. D.” or “Uncle Freddie” to say, “listen up, Old Field Lane comes up on your right down the block. There are a few cross streets before that. Don’t make a wrong turn. Keep one eye on the road and the other on the street signs and don’t miss it or you’ll be spending the rest of the day in my office.”

 

Politeness and kindness surely have their place. But when you’re driving on unfamiliar streets in an unfamiliar town, you want a straight-shooting -- maybe even a threat-implying -- Assistant principal to order you around.”

When you ask “Cortana” or “Siri” or the nameless ghost girl of Google how to use a split screen in Windows 10, you don’t want some nice girl-next-door type to tell you “Screen snapping is easy with Windows 10. Much easier than it was in Version 7 or Version 8. So let’s get started.” You need Mr. T to tell you “This ain’t rocket science, kid, here’s what you do…”

 

Your existing robot has too many emotions. When you’re asking for directions to the Roosevelt Field Shopping Center, and Toyota Tanya-of-the-Dashboard can’t find the Meadowbrook Parkway she’ll tell you so in robotic versions of shame and embarrassment.”

 

The Assistant Principal has another take: “First of all, kid, they don’t call it that anymore. So look for signs that say “Shopping Mall.  I don’t know how to get you to the highway. But you probably can see it over there on your left.  Wander around the back streets; you’re sure to find an entry ramp eventually. Let me know when you’re there and I’ll get you where you’re going.”

 

Assistant Principals may be a little rough around the edges, but they know how to put a semicolon in their advice.

SHRAPNEL:

--The Senate voted 57-43 to convict trump, short of the ⅔ majority required, so the accused goes free. Please note, no armed mob stormed Mar a Largo. And no one made phone calls to “find me votes” even though this “election” really was stolen by thugs in cheap suits.

 

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Any Questions? wesrichards@gmail.com

© WR 2021