Wednesday, May 01, 2019

2083 Recovery

2083 Recovery

Quandary: Who to listen to? The hernia surgery was a success and the patient didn’t die, at least not yet if you’re reading this on line.  But the post-op instructions are conflicting.

Nurse: Don’t eat spicy food for a day or two.
Doctor: Eat what you want when you want.

Hospital Blahblah sheet: Do not drive for the first 24 hours after surgery.
Doc: Don’t drive for two weeks.

So how to figure that out.  The doc is a DOC.  And he’s a big man you wouldn’t want to meet in a boxing ring.  And he’s nice.  And funny, and everyone likes him. Everyone. (Except he’s a fan of the Major League Baseball expansion team from Flushing, Queens called the New York Mets.  But no one’s perfect.)

Okay, gotta find a compromise.  Let’s do the math.

24 hours is one day.  Two weeks means 14 days.

So one day plus 14 days equals 15 days.

Let’s get the average.  15 days divided by two = … um… gee. That’s a tough problem.  Let’s estimate.  Probably somewhere around two.  Yeah, that sounds right. Two. So that means today’s the day, Wednesday, May 1, 2019.

So if you don’t find a new post here Friday 5/2/19, it didn’t work.

The run-up to this procedure is kind of like the TV ads for pharmaceuticals.  Everything’s rosy and sunny until you get to the part about the side effects.

The ads are required to list the majors.  Sometimes they go past you so fast you miss them.  Although some words or phrases tend to jump out even when the audio is running at high speed.

These include “possibly fatal,” “nausea,” “suicidal thoughts or actions,” that kind of thing.  What is a suicidal action? Yeah. Thought so.

With surgery, as you’re fading into unconsciousness, they tell you things like “this is going to hurt later on.  I’ll give you Percocet.” Give?  You mean “I’ll give you a prescription for a potentially addictive substance which if you ingest after having no pain, you will become the next statistic in the ‘opioid crisis.”

How about “you can take Ibuprofen to keep the swelling down.” Swelling?  Sure enough.

And… “there may be some bruising at and below the incision.” May? Now’s the time to audition for Blue Man Group.  Please pass the drumsticks. And the paint.

When you awaken, they tell you “Don’t forget to be active. But don’t overdo it.”  Walk a lot. And if you drop something, don’t bend over to pick it up.”

Here’s a skill you learn quickly: how to rearrange the bottom shelf of the refrigerator while sitting on a short stool with your legs extended.

It was like being an opening act and a closing act in the same vaudeville show.  The closing act was always the one they used to clear the theater after the main performance. It had to be bad enough so that people would rather leave than stay.

Note: Thanks one and all for the good wishes during this short and not so sweet series of events.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
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© WJR 2019

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