Would you buy a mail order mattress from this guy?
The TV shopping channels
are slipping. Time was most of them gave you a decent product at a decent
price. They are marvels of speed shipping, second only to Amazon and
Zappos. And masters of fat “shipping and handling” charges.
We are not going to name
names. But you probably know that the biggest player has acquired the
second biggest player, that the third biggest player has changed its name for
the fourth time in ten years.
And you probably know
that the two biggest players now have three channels each on your TV
provider. Company number three is working toward adding to this glut.
Let’s start with the
basic premise that the main point of these huge and complex virtual stores is
to make you want stuff that you might not have thought of without their
help. Kindly, no? The targets are mostly women.
Hair goo, skin goo, a
thousand varieties of cosmetics. Eye stuff. Hair removal stuff,
moisturizers, wrinkle creams, all things that key into the Great Secret of the
American Woman.
What is that
secret? Deep in her heart of hearts, many believe her appearance is
somehow flawed. This starts pre-teen and often lasts right through to old
age -- and old ain’t our grandparents’ old. We live way longer.
In her three o’clock in
the morning self evaluation, many women believe “My this is too
big. My that is too small. I’m only (fill in the age) and my eyes
have big bags, my neck looks like a turkey and my skin is turning to crepe
paper.”
Wrong, ladies.
There’s nothing wrong
about putting your best face (and other things) forward. Even if you don’t…
you’re fine just the way you are. But as long as you think you aren’t,
you’re going to buy lifting creams and hair thickeners and the electrical
appliances that go with them, like curlers or straighteners or blow dryers,
each the supposed be-all and end-all of beautyworld. Once home, you’ll
find the appliance is too heavy or to loud or the cord is too short or too
long. But you’ll keep it anyway.
There are channels that
specialize in jewelry, though they all sell at least some. A lot of them
brag about gemstones you never heard of. Tanzanite, Morganite, Russian
Diopside. Often the stones are pretty nice and well priced. But the settings of
rings and the clasps of chains are pure junk. You get what you pay for.
Who will pay to fix that
nice sweater you had when your Herkimer Diamond Quartz ring’s setting rips a
hole in the sleeve?
Shoes: A thousand
brands. Some you’ve heard of and trust but shouldn’t. Some make promises they
can’t keep and don’t. EZ returns (at a price.) Slow refunds.
Usually, they have nerdy
men to sell you electronics to scare you. Video cams, video doorbells.
Brand-X telephones and tablets and the occasional bloatware-larded computer
with trial programs and actual programs you’ll never use.
Decorations:
battery operated candles. Lawn gnomes. Water hoses that “can’t” kink. Flowers
both real and fake. The mechanical stuff lasts about as long as the warranty.
Cleaning products.
Your supermarket has everything you need and nothing you don’t. But Dr.
Whizbang’s Clean-It becomes the holy grail of stove cleaners, or clearer of
clogged drains. Until a few hours later when something else makes the
same claim. Note: You can get Formula
409, Windex or Krud Kutter for a few dollars a bottle at any supermarket.
And then there’s food.
Beef and fruit at usurious prices. Cakes and cookies that tempt. Poultry.
And the machines to cook all that. Pressure cookers, toaster ovens, tableware,
cookware, air fryers. A hundred different kinds and sizes of pots and pans.
In point of fact, much
of the merchandise, whether a diamond ring, a steak, a cookie, a cell phone,
tablet, wrinkle cream or lipstick don’t live up to your expectations.
Big stuff: Mattresses,
exercise machines, recliners. Disappointments at stupendous prices with iffy
guarantees you won’t read but should. Buyer beware.
How about the men? Tool
kits with stuff you’ll never use. Laser measuring devices you can get at Home
Despot, Ace, Lowe’s, Wal-mart and Sears if there’s still one in your town.
Ugly watches, some
B-stock from famous names, others from names that you never heard of except
from a shopping channel.
It’s not all bad,
people. But it’s worse than it used to be.
When you hear the
carnival barker barking, or the “middle-aged lady next door” showing you shoes,
either turn off the television or watch those “classic” movies. They’re
much more fun than you remember.
Who can resist a John
Wayne classic or a Perry Mason re-run? Or episode 5,408 of Law and Order.
If you must leave the TV
on to combat your loneliness, there’s always Lester Holt or Wolf Blitzer.
SHRAPNEL: Remembering Martin Luther King Jr. on the
hard-won holiday honoring him. Normally this space doesn’t speculate on what
Dr. King would say about today’s world. But I would love to have had him
moderating the Republican debate that eventually gave us the present occupant
of the White House.
I’m Wes Richards. My
opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
With this post, we
resume our thrice-weekly schedule of putting drivel on the internet since “On
the Weekend” was a glint in my eye and funded by a grant from Bloomberg News.
© WJR 2020
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