Friday, November 27, 2020

4671 A Holiday Gift from an Insurance Company

 

It’s nice to be thought of at this time of year.  Even if the thinking comes from an insurance company.  Of course, if they really wanted to give you something, what they’d do is suspend their ridiculous advertising for a week or two.  

 

Save us from Flo, Jake, Shaq, the Emu. Even the Gecko is wearing out its welcome along with the ever-diminishing entertainment quality of the other ads for the company it represents.

 

And save us from the endless and overlong Medicare Advantage and Medigap ads.

 

But no. They won’t do that. And what the health insurance company did was send a gift box of actual stuff.  Two boxes, really, because there are two customers under one roof here. But so far we’ve just opened one of them and redistributed the loot. We’re going to guess that the other one is an identical twin and hold it in reserve for when we run out of trinkets from the first.

 

The gift boxes are like swag bags from trade shows. Except instead of ballpoint pens, coffee mugs, cosmetic samples, logo baseball caps, movie tickets and the like, they have really useful things.  

 

Really.

 

The company wants us to protect our health.  They’re on our side. Especially when the state of our health benefits the state of their finances.  Hence, all kinds of healthy stuff.

 

In ours, there were various trial sizes of hand sanitizer, antibacterial spray, a thermometer (it uses an app, if you don’t have a smartphone, “try this link.” If you don’t have an internet-connected computer, push the on button, put the thing under your tongue and when it beeps, remove it from your mouth and read it) a finger device to measure pulse and oxygen levels (the pulse part is dead wrong, thus calling into question the accuracy of the oxygen detection reading.) Best of all, a mini electric toothbrush.  

 

Your correspondent has several crowns on implants and two --  count-em-two -- remaining actual live teeth whose main purpose is anchoring the dashingly handsome plastic “temporary appliances” that help display a dazzling smile which usually is as fake as the teeth.

 

The electric toothbrush works.  And “you can subscribe to a new brush head and batteries, with free shipping for just $5.00 every three months.  Two triple-a batteries and one brush head? Five bucks? Uh… no thanks.  Well… maybe no thanks. The “Quip” brushes and accessories ain’t cheap when you spot them online.

 

The swag box also included a large squeeze bottle of skin goop.  No one should run out of skin goop.  Especially those of us of crepe-skin age.  It’s another one of the many ways we try to ward off aging and death. Baby skin for the octo-set.

 

One thing they forgot to include was some sort of device to evict the guy who lives in the bathroom medicine cabinet.  Every time while at the sink, this old coot appears in the mirror.  Who the hell is that, anyway?

 

I WONDER:

--If Blue Cross/Blue Shield affiliates would consider using what they spend on swag boxes and discount coupons etc., to help lower premiums or hire more customer service operators.

--If insurance adjusters or claims clerks receive rewards if they are really good at rejecting claims.

--If they do, whether those rewards are revoked when a rejected claim is later approved on appeal.

--If there are two “Jakeses” from State Farm, with the one you get to see depending on whether you’re black or white.  

--How they know which “Jake” to show you?

--If “The General” and his commercial writers know that “on line” and “save time” don’t rhyme.

--If Warren Buffett approved the years-long and widely varied advertising campaign for GEICO, which his company owns and which are impossible to avoid.

--If decorator facemasks will become a permanent fashion statement.

 

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Any Questions? wesrichards@gmail.com

© WIR 2020

 


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